So. I finally started writing a blog after just thinking about doing it for years. My intention was to write a column...article... What do you call it when you make a blog entry? A "Blog Entry?" A "Post?" Whatever. My intention was to write once a week. And here we are, nearly a month later. Thanks to my friend, Malinda for the nudge I needed to actually sit down and...Post!
I have a procrastination problem. I put off doing the things I don't like to do, but then...the things I really want to do get put off even further because I feel guilty for not doing the things I don't want to do. So, I end up doing other stuff while the things I need to do and the things I want to do go undone. I clearly need therapy...
Anyway, I've been feeling really emotional lately. I suppose there are many reasons why. My first grandchild is due one month from today! My son's "Golden Birthday" (he's turning 24 on September 24th) is coming up and, as a tribute to this once-in-a-lifetime event, I've been posting pictures from his childhood on Facebook every day, and telling little stories along with them. This obviously stirs up memories, both happy and sad. My Dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He passed away three-and-a-half years ago, but I don't feel like I ever properly mourned him. I mean, who has time for that kind of stuff these days, right? I'll just hear a certain song, or pass by a particular place and those cliched memories roll down my cheek. It's been happening a lot lately. I've also had a renewed interest in my ancestry and have been doing a little family tree research online. Plus the weather is changing, I've been working a lot, I have an expensive gym membership I haven't used in months, I gained back all the weight I lost a couple of years ago... And, while I made peace with the fact that I blew through two marriages by the time I was 31 and now I'm "forever alone," somebody said something to me recently that made me realize there's a possibility I could actually have a life that includes a significant other. Or at least go on a date! (Haha!) And I had to look at that and honestly tell myself, I don't think I want that life. I have a romantic heart, but I'm also realistic and I know myself really well. Being half of a couple is just not for me. I have too much independence and not enough trust.
Sooooooooo...yeah. I've been feeling emotional. Bipolar is more like it. I'm really happy, really sad, really peaceful, really stressed out. Basically, I'm human, going through all the stuff other humans are going through. The lucky ones, anyway. The ones who don't have to worry about clean water, where they're going to sleep, or when their next meal might be.
I'm not a big fan of self pity. It was my jam for a lot of years, but Oprah - and some other influences - helped me to realize how lucky I truly am. I believe being a parent helped me, too. I can't really say where the turning point was, but I started looking for the silver lining in every situation and (GASP!) I always manage to find it. Any time I start to feel sorry for myself, I remind myself how lucky...or (hashtag) blessed...I am. I'm not rich or skinny or young or beautiful or talented...but my life is pretty darn good.
But, even those of us who are grateful for what we have sometimes still want MORE. Like world peace...or at least peace in their own little part of the world.
While perusing Pinterest yesterday, I came across a quote that seemed timely:
I posted the quote on Facebook, and followed it up with the italicized paragraph beneath it...which I ended up deleting before I hit the "Send" button. I deleted my comment because I try really hard to keep stuff that might attract negative attention off of Facebook. I feel like I can be a little more free here, within the walls of my blog, because I'm assuming anyone reading this will actually read what I'm writing and not jump to conclusions, think it's about them - when it's not, or ask me "What's wrong?!?" One of the things I hate most in life on Social Media is The Vague Post. I understand why people do it. I have dramatic inclinations myself that I have to fight back with a whip and chair. Drama and attention seeking are a couple of my pet peeves and I stubbornly refuse to give in when I see them. If it's personal, family & friends only stuff, keep it that way. If you want to share with the world, share away. But don't make me ask you "What's wrong." Because I won't.
And...where was I? Sorry. I have a tendency to wander...
Oh yeah! The whole "Grudge" thing.
The reason I found that quote timely is that I am acquainted with someone who inspired the first sentence of my paragraph:
"This is especially true if the person you're holding a grudge against doesn't know you're holding a grudge against them."
Again, I'm not trying to be vague...even though I guess I am being vague. I'm not one of the persons involved in the grudge, so it's not my place to be pointing any fingers or outing anyone. However, I am impacted by this grudge. (And don't bother asking me about this privately, because I will take it to my grave. It's not my business - I just happen to know about it.) And, I have held at least one long standing grudge in my life and know for a fact that I was the only person hurt by it. In my case, the person on the other end of my grudge voluntarily left my life, so he was probably completely unaware of my feelings. And, if he did know, it's a pretty safe bet that he didn't give a rat's behind. (Oooh! That sounds bitter!) So, I spent years with all of those hateful feelings swirling around inside...for nothing. What a waste.
If I keep this blog thing going, and you keep reading, one thing you will probably see me say over and over again is that I live in fear of offending people. It is true. I'm a pretty sensitive person, but it takes a lot to hurt my feelings or make me mad. (Although, I can be QUITE irritable. But that's a whole 'nother topic!) I might hear something that trips my trigger, but I have the ability to hold my tongue, think, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I'd say, in most cases, people aren't trying to offend other people; they're just not super careful with what they say or how they say it, or they don't consider who might overhear them, if they say something near someone who may take offense to something they've said. Most of my life, I've been overly careful so, when I offend someone, it not only surprises me, but it traumatizes me.
That said, I feel like I've been offending people left and right lately.
In the last year, at least three people have unfriended me on Facebook...two of them within the last three months or so. These were people who posted often, and frequently "Liked" or commented on my posts so, when I didn't see anything for a while, I went to their profile and found out we were no longer "Friends." I've only ever unfriended like, two people EVER! So, while I'm not bed-riddenly devastated by being unfriended, I am curious. What did I say? What did I do? But I can't...quite...bring myself to...ask them.
Because, not only do I not want to offend anyone, I also don't want to put anyone on the spot. Make them uncomfortable. Embarrass them.
So, I may never know what I did or said.
When it comes to personal relationships though, outside of Social Media, I've been trying to venture outside my comfort zone and address the situation.
A couple of things have contributed to my baby steps in the direction of being more open to actually dealing with issues instead of letting assumptions fester in my brain and turn into something that was never real in the first place:
Credit goes to my job, for forcing me to have difficult but necessary conversations, and to my children (my son and daughter-in-law), for loving me enough to be honest with me even if the honesty stings a little bit - and for letting me be honest with them, too.
I'm actually tearing up a little bit as I type this. What a freeing feeling!
I hope I never lose whatever it is that makes me careful with other people's feelings. I mean, obviously, even being careful isn't 100% effective, but at least I try. However, I also want to be more honest. Even when it's hard.
In my life, I have been so angry with people, but didn't let them know what they said or did to make me angry, hurt my feelings, etc., because I didn't want to make them "feel bad." So, instead, I just felt bad myself. I stuffed my feelings down and made myself miserable. And the people went on doing (or not doing) whatever it was that bothered me. I didn't even give them a choice to alter their behavior, apologize (if an apology was necessary), tell me to shove it, or explain/tell their side of the story.
Have you ever had a friend or loved one cut you out of their life without an explanation? It's happened to me. It sucks when you're left wondering what you might have said or done to cause someone to drop you, seemingly unprovoked.
Have you ever done that to someone else? Maybe you felt like they should know what they did, so you didn't feel the need to explain your actions. Or maybe you're like me, and you just don't know how to approach the subject to repair the relationship, or just "break up" with the person, so they at least know why you're moving on without them. So you do nothing, or take the passive aggressive approach.
Once, I kind of froze a friend out of my life. We had been best friends, co-workers and even neighbors. She was one of the best friends I ever had, someone who I can say with confidence would have done anything for me, but something happened. I started feeling like all she ever did was judge me. I had always been a skinny person, and I gained a bunch of weight. And all she ever wanted to talk about was how much weight she had lost. My house was a complete and utter disgusting mess...and all she ever wanted to talk about was how often she pulled out her refrigerator and couch to clean behind them. She also brought up subjects around my son that I found inappropriate. So, I started to avoid her. When she did catch me coming or going, I wasn't super friendly, just trying to discourage conversation. Was she really judging me? Was I just being too sensitive? I don't know, because I never had that conversation with her about how I felt. Because I didn't want to make her "feel bad." Looking back, I'm sure the way I was acting made her feel bad. But I don't like confrontation, sooo...
So this friend. She got sick. And she withered away. And she died.
And I never took the opportunity that I had between the getting sick and dying to make peace with her.
That was just short of twelve years ago and the guilt I feel is crushing.
The sad epilogue to that is, I still didn't learn how important it is to have those difficult little conversations with people.
In most cases, my anger or hurt feelings run their course, I get over it and life goes on. I mean, seriously, I don't think it's necessary to gripe about every little thing. Nobody is going to be exactly the way you want them to be 100% of the time...or ever. But sometimes, if someone you care about has bruised your feelings, offended you deeply or maybe if they're just driving you crazy, a little loving honesty might be called for.
Just based on my own irritations, I told my son and his wife that I want them to be honest with me if I overstep, intrude or annoy the crap out of them. But, since I love them so much, they are the people most likely to make my feelings bleed out. So, I told Joey and Whitney, if you need to be painfully honest with me, give me a hug, tell me you love me, and hold me close while you break my heart. (!Drama!) I will get over it! As I mentioned above, they took me at my word. It makes life so much easier.
The bottom line is, honesty doesn't have to hurt if you use it gently. How would you want to be treated if the situation was reversed? If you think about that, you'll figure out what to do. If you don't want to do it in person, do it over the phone, write a letter, send a text or e-mail. There are so many choices! Personally, I express myself in writing much better than verbally. (And - take it from me - it's best to do this when you're not feeling mad or defensive. Ooops! Can you say "just made the situation worse?" Yeah. I never said I was perfect...) When I need to have a sensitive conversation with someone, if I have a choice, I prefer spell it all out in a letter or e-mail - so I can get it all out without interruption, emotional breakdowns, stuttering, intimidation, etc. Then, I ask them to talk to me in person, when they're ready.
I'm not saying my way is the best way, it's just how I choose to approach it. In personal relationships, you can't force the other person to see it your way, respect your opinion, whatever. All you can do is express yourself and give them the option to do the same. If they choose not to, at least you tried.
To wrap this up, I'd just like to plant a little seed for those who may not have considered this: There is a difference between being offensive and offending somebody. Basically, if someone offends you on purpose, that's on them. But, if you are offended by something they say or do, you just might need to let them know because, chances are, if they didn't mean to offend you, and you never tell them they offended you, and you're not willing to forgive them without an apology, you've got a grudge.
And now I must apologize for being such a downer today! My intention is to try to keep things light, but I think I failed in this case. I feel like I've overshared on multiple levels and, I have to say, while I do feel a little relief, I also am feeling kind of shaky and sick to my stomach. Should I hit the "Publish" button, or just delete this and start over? If you're reading this, I guess you know what my decision was.
And, if you're feeling offended by anything I've written here, please tell me in a gentle, yet honest fashion. No offense was intended.
Thanks for reading!
Ginger
No comments:
Post a Comment